Today I’d like to cover the topic of mental health – a topic that is perhaps the most crucial of all topics but is the least tackled, especially for single parents going through wrongful persecution when they have already been victims of GBV. As a mental health practitioner (and medical doctor), I feel very strongly about the combined effects of the two: mental health adversely affects physical health and vice versa. And often enough, both are not treated simultaneously. Well, most people (many professionals included) are not aware that the two are not mutually exclusive. So let me begin by discussing the underlying causes of poor mental health (or should I say, the consequences of failed, indifferent, ignorant, corrupt, unjust “justice” systems).

Causes:

  1. Trauma (complex trauma, PTSD) from being a survivor of GBV: Having experienced GBV alone is horrible enough. The physical, mental, social, psychological, financial abuse (the list goes on) tortures ones mind, body and spirit to the extent where you feel as if you are utterly drained – physically and mentally. You are surviving and fighting every day only for your children, in the hopes that you can give them a better life and keep them safe, especially from the monster who has abused you. And you even, at one point in time in your lives, had faith in the legal / justice system – that it would protect you and your children from your abuser. My ex put me in hospital 6 times. I have permanent damage to my spine and neck as a result of his violence. Yet he is still free – free to live his life the way he chooses to, with NO consequences for his actions, while my children and I are the ones who have had to run, flee for our lives and now live in exile.
  2. PTSD from the court processes you have been dragged through: This part is often omitted from many topics on mental health, especially when involving GBV. I have found, through my personal and professional experience, that many professionals tend to focus on the GBV itself and the perpetrator, but they forget that there is another (much bigger, and more powerful) perpetrator – the Legal / Justice System. This is the big “monster” who prevents justice from being dished out to the perpetrator and actually enables the perpetrator of GBV to continue perpetrating GBV on other victims. Worse of all, this is the “monster” who is responsible for the continued perpetration of GBV on the victims who have, ironically, come to court to seek justice and protection. I remember when I was being relentlessly dragged through court proceedings (settlement, custody issues etc) for over 2 years by my ex. I was forced to read through hundreds of pages of lies. Each of his 150-page (minimum) affidavits were nothing but a stack of lies, lies and more lies. Whoever thought affidavits were a good idea should be slapped, punched and then crucified. People lie all the time in their affidavits and, in my opinion, it’s a complete joke and mockery of the courts. Yet the courts swear by them. Why? Because it continues to feed the pockets of the lawyers who (apparently) read through and respond to them, and the judges who later preside over them. A typical case of “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. My lawyers used to charge me at least $7000 just to read and respond to EACH of my ex’s affidavits. And that’s for THEIR time. What about MY time? I spent countless hours reading through the lies – time that I had to take off work and from my children, to the point where I began losing income from my own private practice. And then, on top of that, I had to pay my lawyers for their time! It’s no wonder I began to sink further and further into debt to the point where I had drained my entire savings and completely mortgaged out my house (which I had worked so hard for decades to pay off as a single parent). Then when I asked the court to help me via Legal Aid, they turned me down because according to them, I “owned” my house so I didn’t qualify for Legal Aid. A perfect example of the “monster” perpetrating Financial abuse: classifies as GBV. My ex, on the other hand, had his entire criminal family backing him financially with all the legal proceedings. In addition, each time I read the first page of an affidavit, it made me sick to my stomach and I would be physically vomiting the entire day (or week). I remember at the time I had an amazing social worker who would not let me read and respond to the affidavits by myself. She would come over to my home, sit down with me for hours and read through them with me (many a time cussing and swearing herself at the ludicrous-ness and lies) and it was her who gave me strength to respond to them. Once, she said to me, “I cannot believe the courts actually believe this shit!” So there you have it – the legal system, the monster, perpetrating GBV upon the victims (again) by financially and emotionally abusing victims. But this time, they are legally allowed to do it.
  3. Severe depression, anxiety, insomnia etc (the list is endless) from the above perpetrators (the legal system and victimisation): Given all that I have mentioned in my previous points, it’s no wonder that, if you’ve gotten this far and survived all the abuse AND the injustice you have faced in the court system, that you are not able to sleep at nights, you have flashbacks, nightmares, that your anxiety is through the roof, you are on edge every minute of every day, you feel like crying for no apparent reason, you cannot function even doing simple day-to-day tasks, you fear you are not being a good parent, and most days you probably don’t even want to be around people because you don’t trust anyone! Everyone you know whom you thought would stand by you has deserted you at a time when you needed them most, so you just don’t trust anyone anymore. You look at the world with a very cynical and sometimes bitter perspective and, worse of all, you feel isolated, lonely. I could go on but I think you get my drift 🙂 Well, the good news is you are NOT alone! Throughout my own personal journey, I have met numerous parents who have experienced similar circumstances and I have found relief and comfort knowing that I am not alone. This is the reason I established LIFT – to support single parent survivors of GBV who have faced all these horrific injustices.
  4. There is hope – just like any form of physical / medical illness, mental illness can be managed and cured: Don’t lose faith or hope 🙂 It is a slow process – just like it took years to sink to the bottom of the pit, it may take a while to climb back up again but the most important part is you CAN climb back up. You have to want to do it and the key is PATIENCE and CONSISTENCY.

I wrote this chapter of the blog to motivate you to reach out to seek help – don’t be afraid because you are NOT alone. We are here to help you in any way we can, we want to LIFT you up so you can once again find peace and live the life with your children the way you envision – safe and happy 🙂 Please don’t hesitate to send us a message via the “Contact” tab – your details are strictly confidential.

We would also greatly appreciate if you could let us know what areas you require assistance in. For example, you might want more information on stress management or positive parenting. We are currently gathering information and interests as we are hoping to run online seminars and courses in the near future so your feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Take care and hang in there 🙂